Custody Mediation: What to Expect and How to Prepare

Custody mediation is a meeting where you and your child's other parent try to agree on a parenting plan with a neutral mediator before a judge decides for you. In many states it is required once custody is contested, it is often free through the court, and a first session often takes about two hours. You do not have to agree to anything you feel is unsafe for your child.

This guide covers what happens in custody mediation, what to bring, what not to say, how it works when there has been abuse and what happens if you cannot agree. How this guide was checked. Every rule below was read in the statute, court rule or court page linked beside it on October 8, 2026. Rules differ by state and county, so check your own court's page too.

This is general information about custody mediation, not legal advice. A local legal aid office can help for free.

The figure	What it is	Source
About 2 hours	a typical court mediation session in North Carolina and San Diego	NC Courts
$0	court mediation in North Carolina, Arizona and Cook County, Illinois	AZCourtHelp
290 of 1,203	California sessions that ended in a full agreement in a 2025 study	Judicial Council

The short version

• Custody mediation is about the parenting plan, not child support, in most court programs
• Bring two schedule ideas, holidays included, and a calendar
• In some California counties the mediator reports to the judge, so it is not confidential
• If there has been abuse, you can ask for separate sessions or an exemption
• Have a lawyer or legal aid office read the agreement before you sign

What is custody mediation?

Custody mediation is a guided talk between two parents about where the children live, how decisions get made and how the parents share information. A neutral mediator, often a court employee, keeps the talk on track. North Carolina says an agreement needs to cover residential plans, decision making and information sharing (NC Courts orientation).

Court mediation usually covers the children only. In California, court mediation is limited to parenting plans, custody and visitation, so child support and property are settled elsewhere (Cal. Fam. Code 3178). The Texas child support guide shows how support is set on its own track.

You can also hire a private mediator, and some couples do both. Private mediation is paid by the hour, while court programs are often free.

Is custody mediation mandatory?

In many states, yes, once custody or visitation is contested. California courts must set contested custody and visitation issues for mediation (Cal. Fam. Code 3170). North Carolina requires it wherever a program exists, unless the court waives it (N.C. Gen. Stat. 50-13.1).

State	Required?	Abuse protection
California	Yes, when custody is contested	Separate sessions if abuse is alleged under oath or an order exists
North Carolina	Yes, unless waived	Waiver for abuse, domestic violence or substance abuse
Arizona	Yes, if parents cannot agree	Ask the court about screening
Florida	Court refers where a family program exists	No referral if violence would compromise it
Texas	Court may refer	Written objection; separate rooms if still referred
Maryland	Court decides case by case	No order when abuse or coercive control makes it inappropriate
Cook County, IL	Only by court order	Separate screening, shuttle sessions, security

North Carolina judges can waive mediation for good cause, such as undue hardship, allegations of child abuse or neglect, alcoholism, drug abuse or domestic violence, severe psychological problems, or a parent living more than 50 miles away. Arizona describes mediation as required when parents cannot agree, and free through its Conciliation Court (AZCourtHelp).

What happens at the mediation session?

In North Carolina, custody mediation starts with an orientation class, then a session of up to two hours (NC Courts). San Diego quotes about 1.5 to 2.5 hours (San Diego Superior Court). Cook County, Illinois sets two appointments of 2.5 hours each.

Lawyers often stay out of the room. North Carolina's program says attorneys do not attend, and California lets the mediator exclude counsel (Cal. Fam. Code 3182). In Florida a lawyer may attend but does not have to.

Leave the children at home unless the court asks for them. San Diego says not to bring children unless the court orders it; if the counselor needs to talk with a child, a separate time is set (San Diego form FCS-022). In North Carolina, children do not attend, though the mediator may interview a child when that is appropriate.

Is what you say in mediation confidential?

It depends on your county, and it is the first thing to ask. California custody mediation is confidential by statute (Cal. Fam. Code 3177). But California also lets counties run "recommending" sessions, where the counselor can make a recommendation to the judge if you do not agree (Cal. Fam. Code 3183).

San Diego is one of those counties. Its form says what parents share in a recommending session is not confidential to the court (San Diego form FCS-022). Ask your court on day one: is this confidential mediation or recommending counseling?

North Carolina is the other model. What either parent says in mediation is absolutely privileged and cannot be used in court (N.C. Gen. Stat. 50-13.1). The narrow exceptions: talk about a crime or fraud is not protected, and child abuse must still be reported.

How do you prepare for custody mediation?

Come with options, not a speech. San Francisco's court guide asks each parent to think of at least two ways to share time with the children, including school vacations and holidays (San Francisco Superior Court). Write both on paper with real dates.

• A draft schedule. The 50-50 custody schedule guide shows the common rotations. Arizona also publishes free model plans by child age (Arizona Supreme Court).
• The parenting plan topics. Decision making, school, medical care, travel, phones and how you will message each other. The co-parent agreement guide has a full list.
• Safety papers, if they apply. Alameda County asks parents to bring restraining order papers to a recommending appointment (Alameda Superior Court).
• The kids' calendar. School hours, activities, and each parent's work shifts.

You may not need evidence. North Carolina tells parents they do not need to bring evidence to mediation (NC Courts). Recommending sessions in California work differently, so ask what your county wants.

What questions come up in mediation?

Expect practical custody mediation questions about the children's week, not about who was right in the marriage. Arizona's parenting time guide lists the ones parents work through: how flexible each schedule is, what child care is needed, how and where exchanges happen, how transportation works and how well the parents communicate (Arizona Supreme Court).

Have a short, honest answer for each. If you cannot answer one, say what you would need to find out, such as your work schedule for the next term.

What should you not say in custody mediation?

Tehama County's handbook lists the don'ts plainly: do not come unprepared, do not needlessly bad-mouth the other parent, and do not punish them by withholding the child (Tehama Superior Court handbook). It also says not to compromise on your child's health or safety.

That last line matters most. The same handbook says you do not have to agree to a parenting plan you feel is dangerous, harmful or not in your child's best interest. Say "I can't agree to that, and here is why," then name the safety concern in one sentence.

Talk about the child, not the marriage. "She needs bedtime at 8 on school nights" lands better than a list of the other parent's faults. If the other parent is high-conflict, the guide to co-parenting with a narcissist covers scripts that keep the talk short.

What if there has been domestic violence?

You do not have to sit across the table from someone who hurt you. In California the mediator must meet with each parent separately, at separate times, if there is a history of domestic violence or a protective order and the parent alleging abuse under oath, or protected by the order, asks (Cal. Fam. Code 3181). You may also ask to bring a support person, who may not speak for you (California form FL-314-INFO).

Other states go further. A Texas parent can file a written objection based on family violence, and if mediation still goes ahead, the parents are kept in separate rooms (Tex. Fam. Code 153.0071). On a parent's request, Florida courts shall not refer a case when a history of domestic violence would compromise mediation.

Maryland courts may not order mediation when abuse or coercive control makes it inappropriate (Md. Rule 9-205). In California's 2025 study, 40% of parent sessions involved domestic violence allegations (Judicial Council of California).

To talk to someone now, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, the number California lists on form FL-314-INFO. If you are not safe at home right now, the shelters for single moms guide covers where to go tonight.

What happens after mediation?

If you agree in custody mediation, the agreement usually becomes a court order only when a judge signs it. California's form says the agreement is signed by both parents and the judge, then filed (California form FL-314-INFO). Cook County says an agreement is not binding until a judge approves and enters it (Cook County Family Court Services).

Texas is the exception to watch. A mediated agreement binds the moment it is signed if it states, in bold, capital letters or underlining, that it is not subject to revocation and is signed by both parents and by any lawyer present at signing (Tex. Fam. Code 153.0071). In Texas, have a lawyer read it before you sign.

If you do not agree, the case goes back to the judge. California courts set a hearing on unresolved issues (Cal. Fam. Code 3185). In North Carolina a parent schedules the case for trial, and failing to agree is not held against you (NC Courts).

Does mediation work?

Often, but not always on the first try. In a 2025 California study of 1,203 custody mediation outcomes, 290 ended in a full agreement and 405 ended with no agreement (Judicial Council of California). Partial and temporary agreements made up many of the rest.

A long-term study is encouraging. A randomized study followed families for 12 years after a custody dispute. Parents without primary custody who mediated stayed more involved and kept more contact with their children than those who went to court, and co-parenting conflict did not rise (Emery and others, 2001).

How much does custody mediation cost?

Court custody mediation is often free. It costs nothing in North Carolina, through Arizona's Conciliation Court and in Cook County. San Francisco's court says it provides free mediation through Family Court Services (San Francisco Superior Court).

Some courts charge. Florida sets fees by income: nothing if you are found indigent, $60 per parent per session if combined income is under $50,000, and $120 if it is $50,000 to $100,000 (Fla. Stat. 44.108). Chester County, Pennsylvania charges $90 per parent for a two-hour session (Chester County).

Calvert County, Maryland charges $75 an hour per party, with fee waivers (Maryland Courts).

Private mediators cost more. On Franklin County, Ohio's October 2026 court roster, listed hourly rates run from about $95 to $525 (Franklin County Domestic Relations Court). Ask the court for a fee waiver if you qualify.

Checklist for mediation day

1. Ask: is this confidential mediation or a recommending session?
2. Write two schedule options, with holidays and school breaks
3. List decisions: school, doctors, travel, phones, messaging
4. Bring restraining order papers if you have them
5. Ask for separate sessions if there has been abuse
6. Leave the kids at home unless the court asks for them
7. Have a lawyer or legal aid office read the agreement before you sign

Once a plan is in place, the how to co-parent guide covers the day-to-day handoffs. If the divorce itself is still raw, the guide to surviving a divorce is a gentler place to start.

Frequently asked questions

How long does custody mediation take?

A court session usually runs about two hours. North Carolina sets an orientation class and then a session of up to two hours, San Diego quotes 1.5 to 2.5 hours, and Cook County uses two appointments of 2.5 hours each. Some cases need a second session before the parents reach an agreement.

What should you not say in custody mediation?

Do not bad-mouth the other parent, threaten to keep the children away or agree to anything you feel is unsafe. Court handbooks advise focusing on the child's needs instead. If you cannot accept a proposal, say so calmly and name the specific safety concern in one sentence, then offer an alternative.

What happens if custody mediation fails?

The case goes back to the judge. In California the court sets a hearing on the issues that are still open, and in some counties the counselor sends the judge a recommendation. In North Carolina a parent schedules the case for trial, and not reaching an agreement is not held against you.

Do I have to mediate if there was domestic violence?

Often not face to face. California requires separate sessions if the parent alleging abuse or holding a protective order asks. Texas lets a parent object in writing, North Carolina judges can waive mediation, and Maryland courts may not order it when abuse makes it inappropriate. Tell the court about the abuse before the session.

Can my child talk to the mediator or judge?

Sometimes. A North Carolina mediator may interview a child when appropriate. In California a child 14 or older who wants to address the court is allowed to unless it is not in the child's best interest. In Texas a judge must interview a child 12 or older in chambers if a parent asks at a hearing or trial.

Sources

• California Family Code 3170, mediation of custody and visitation issues (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3177, confidentiality (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3178, matters subject to mediation (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3181, separate sessions where there is domestic violence (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3182, mediator may exclude counsel (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3183, recommending counseling (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3185, hearing when no agreement (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• California Family Code 3042, a child's wishes (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Judicial Council of California, FL-314-INFO Child Custody Information Sheet (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Judicial Council of California, Mediation Outcome Study Quick Facts (2025) (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Superior Court of San Francisco, Parents' Guide to Family Court (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Superior Court of San Diego, Family Court Services (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Superior Court of San Diego, form FCS-022 (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Superior Court of Alameda, Preparing for Child Custody Recommending Counseling (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Superior Court of Tehama, Parent Handbook (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• North Carolina General Statutes 50-13.1, custody mediation (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• North Carolina Judicial Branch, Custody Mediation (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• North Carolina Judicial Branch, Custody Mediation Orientation transcript (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Texas Family Code, Chapter 153 (153.0071 mediation, 153.009 interview of child) (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Florida Statutes, Chapter 44 (44.102 and 44.108) (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• AZCourtHelp, child custody mediation information (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Arizona Supreme Court, Planning for Parenting Time (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Circuit Court of Cook County, Family Court Services Mediation (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Maryland Rule 9-205, mediation of child custody and visitation disputes (Westlaw, official text) (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Maryland Courts, Calvert County Family Services (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Chester County, Notice to Mediator (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Franklin County Court of Common Pleas, Domestic Relations, private mediator roster (October 2026) (retrieved October 8, 2026)
• Emery and others, Child custody mediation and litigation: custody, contact, and coparenting 12 years after initial dispute resolution (2001) (retrieved October 8, 2026)